I’ve lost 15 lbs since starting my fork-free month. The fork is a mere shovel for food: it encourages gluttony and intemperance. Using spoons, knives, and of course my hands has caused me to ponder each bite: do I really need to eat this? Or am I sated?
I’ve been alerted by several readers of a recent study that shows that the cutlery you use affects the way food tastes. I applaud these researchers, yet they haven’t gone far enough. We need to study whether cutlery influences your friendships, your sex life, your moral compass, your digestive system, your migraines, your posture, your intelligence, your career, your education, your pets, your finances, your mortgage, your neighbors, your landscaping, your hair, your personality, your depression, your sleep, your running speed, your sense of humor, your eyesight, your hearing, your ability to operate heavy machinery, your martial prowess, your pain tolerance, your grieving process, your interpersonal conflict resolution style, your imagination, your dexterity, your appetite, your fertility, your concentration, your allergies, your dental health, your bone strength, your height, and more.
Once science is willing to concede that cutlery affects all of these things, and that forks affect them negatively—only then can I pause for a brief respite.